The Advantages of Not Having Anything

This summer, for some reason, I was struck by how little I have compared to my friends. I've got friends who own cars, homes, homes with new additions, summer homes, big screen TVs, big wardrobes, multiple computers, iPhones/Pads/Pods, big sofas, dining room tables, yards, driveways, investments, 401Ks, diversified portfolios, etc. These were friends who were exactly like me long ago, when we were high school pals or sharing a crappy house in college.

And I wondered, what happened to me? Why don't I own anything? I have no property, no car, no television, no stereo, no summer home, and a meager wardrobe. I've got some books, and a teacher's pension (which they always threaten to take away). What did I do wrong? I kind of felt like there was a homework assignment I forgot about that everyone else did.

But there is one advantage to not having anything. There's nothing to rob.

My home in Somerville was robbed yesterday. At 1 pm in the afternoon someone popped off a screen and climbed through a window. They went through the house and ransacked everything. Three laptops from three of my roommates were stolen, along with a couple of nice cameras.

My room? Well, when I walked in there was stuff strewn everywhere. The thief opened drawers, threw out their contents, and looked for something of value to steal. There was nothing. I almost feel like I let him down.

He even came across my crappy, old, out-of-date iPods. Yes, I have two iPod shuffles. They were the first two versions ever made: no touch screen, barely any memory, and the haven't been sold in retail for years. Both of those were taken out of a drawer and were thrown on my bed. Which means the thief saw them, COULD have put them in his pocket, but decided it wasn't worth it.

All he took was a cup of change. It wasn't even my little dish of quarters, which were on another shelf and harder to find. It was just a mug of pennies, nickels, and dimes--$8 at the most. I don't even think it was worth it for the robber, but he might have taken it just because he was angry that I had NOTHING TO STEAL.

Being poor has its advantages. You should try it; it disappoints the right people.

Mr. Jordan on the First Day of Class

Now that I'm adept at Cambridge urban slang (see previous post) . . .

MR. JORDAN: Yo yo, what's poppin' slimes? What's good? I'm Mr. Jordan, and this English class is gonna be mad hard but mad fun. Just so you know, I do get aggy when my students act like sherms and turn in work late. So make sure you swing me your assignments on time so I can peep them right away. You'll need to go ham on my tests, and just so you don't get completely salted, make sure you study mad amounts and dog it out. If I rash you on some of your papers, it's only because I want you to be a better writer. More than anything, when you dip from this class I want you to be good with language . . . so next time you see a dime and want to spit g's at that shorty, you'll have a facility for more poetic, creative ways of speaking.

STUDENTS: On dogs Mr. J, on dogs. (Then turning to each other and murmuring to themselves) I feel like I'm really connecting to this teacher. He is speaking our language, the language of our urban upbringing.