In Offense of English Cooking

Some of the British stereotypes are true after all.  They do have bad teeth.  It does rain all the time. 

And food is lousy.  Well, maybe lousy isn’t the right word--it’s more like food is an afterthought.  As the saying goes, “The best English cooking is, of course, simply French cooking.”  In England food is not a pleasure to be had, but rather fuel to put into a working body.  It’s just not of interest the way it is in, say, Italy.

Here’s a couple of ways you know the English don’t really care about food.  Pre-made packaged meals are HUGE.  Multiple aisles of any grocery store are devoted to pre-made sandwiches, pre-made soups, pre-made pasta dishes, pre-made pizzas, pre-made salads, pre-made desserts.  In the states, don’t we avoid such things at all costs?  Isn’t a pre-made sandwich, sitting in a vending machine, always sort of gross, old, tasteless, or just . . . limp?  But Brits don’t care.  They don’t want to do any cooking of any kind.   Grab that pre-made thing, put it in the microwave if necessary, and eat.

Another way you know food is of little interest:  most people spend Christmas day eating out.  Pretty much every bar, café, pub, and restaurant advertises (in October!) a full-day Christmas bonanza, where you can spend the entire afternoon eating a multiple course meal.  Which is just the next way to avoid making food a part of your life.  Think about Christmas in the states.  Much of the day is built around the big meal:  who’s cooking it, what you’re eating, how long will it take, what dishes are other people bringing, when we’ll sit down to eat, do we open up presents before or after the meal, who sits at the kids’ table and who sits at the adult table, etc.  On Christmas day we would gladly be up to our elbows in raw turkey prep because we enjoy our food.  The English don’t want to think about it at all, so they just outsource it to the local pubs.

And, I’m sorry to say, but Orwell is wrong.  George, I love you, and you’re undoubtedly one of my heroes, and you’ve written some of the best things ever put to paper, but your essay “In Defence of English Cooking” is grasping at straws.  You spend a whole paragraph on “the various ways of cooking potatoes that are peculiar to our country.” Potatoes.  Go on George, we're listening.  Tell us more about potatoes.  “It’s far better to cook new potatoes in the English way—that is boiled with mint and then served with a little melted butter or margarine.”  First, mint?  No thanks.  Second, that’s it?  A little melted butter or margarine is the big move?  You can get that at a Hardee’s.

And here he is on sauces:  “The there are the various sauces peculiar to England.  For instance, bread sauce, horse-radish sauce, mint sauce . . . and various kinds of sweet pickle, which we seem to have in greater profusion than most countries.”  Bread sauce?  Is that even possible?  Horse-radish?  More with the mint?  Did you try to write an enticing sentence about food and use the word "profusion"?

But it’s kind of sweet that Orwell tries to defend the food of mother England.  And not surprising, since he seems to love his country.  In his essay “My Country Right or Left,” he admits that if England ever went to war, he is “patriotic at heart, [and] would not sabotage or act against my own side, would support the war, would fight in it if possible.”  This is from a man who spent his writing life attacking nationalism and fascism and the manipulation of the masses.  But that’s one of the best things about Orwell--his incredible candor, especially about himself.

Thanks for the honesty George.  You would go to war for England.   We know it must have been hard for you to admit that.  We accept it. 

Just don’t go to bat for their food.

What England Is Talking About Today

If you know who Russell Brand is, you probably don't like him.  I've never heard a single person say "Russell Brand?  He's great."  It seems like everyone thinks he's annoying, overdone, pompous, and unfunny.

For those who don't know, he's an English comedian.  And I can't say I like him much either.  I don't hate him, but I'd never go out of my way to watch his stand up routine or a movie he's in.  He was a fitting character in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, and that's about it.

A couple nights ago he was interviewed by BBC broadcaster Jeremy Paxman, who seems to be a pretty big name in journalism around here.  I wouldn't know.  The topic was politics.

But I gotta say, I kind of liked this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lLYcn3PuTTk

Dispatch from Sheffield, U.K.

I'm in Sheffield, the steel city of the U.K. It's kind of like Detroit and Pittsburgh mixed together, but with the steel industry now (mostly) gone. And that leaves Sheffield in a bit of an identity crisis. Is it a college town with two universities in the city center? Is it a place for art and artists? Can it attract tourists? Is it a working class town or an ex-working class town? Can its personality still be a steel city now that steel is gone?

Which makes it all pretty interesting. When you go to London, London does all the work for you--it grabs you by the shirt and says "There's the British museum! There's a double-decker bus! There's Regent's Park! There's Parliament! Look at all the people! Look at all the theaters! Look at the River Thames! Can you even believe you're here?"

You just sort of hop on and follow the flow.

But in Sheffield you're left to your own devices. You have to do some digging to uncover what's great about this old Yorkshire town. You have to fall back on yourself, figure out who you are (a bit) and what you're doing, and then reach out to meet Sheffield half way. And after a month or so, you've found the immigrant neighborhood and restaurants, the chatty professorial old man at the used book store, the soccer field in the low-income area, the waiter with the sly and ironic British sense of humor, and the guy who asks you about the Chicago Bears because he knows nothing of American football.

Inguinal Hernia in the U.K.

Not to be confused with Anarchy in the U.K., of course.

Well, I've got an inguinal hernia.  I don't know why that's slightly shameful to say.  Hernias sound a little silly, like only young kids are supposed to get them, or that you're too weak to successfully pick up a heavy load without sending yourself to the hospital.  Or that it's in the groin area.

But let's assert the manliness of a hernia:

25% of men get them.  My U.K. doctor said "this is an athlete's injury," and I was like "damn right it is."  He assured me that well over half of the Premier League soccer players have had hernia surgery, which makes it seem like the league is just a field full of protruding bowels kicking a ball back and forth.

I'm not really in pain, just some discomfort.  More than anything I feel that something's going on down there, like my intestines are unspooling in my body cavity.

But if I do need surgery, it seems like I'll be in good foreign hands.  The UK actually has two hernia specialty clinics in the London area (read this with a British accent):  The Oxford Hernia Clinic and The British Hernia Centre.

That's right, England is the land of great history, great poets, great novelists, great theater, great museums, and great hernia care.

I do have the option of doing nothing and waiting until I get back to the states, where my regular health care kicks in on February 1st.  The problem is, I planned to travel in December and January--exotic, strenuous trips like volunteering in India or an outdoor trek in Australia.  The risk of an inguinal hernia is that it could become strangulated (very low probability, but very serious if it happens), and what it hits in the slums of Calcutta or in the desert of Australia with poisonous crickets all around me?  Then again, some people live for years with untreated hernias.  You just don't know.

It's strangely unnerving to be in a foreign country needing serious health care.  I mean, I know it's the U.K. and the first world and they could be even better than U.S. doctors, but being sick or injured always infantilizes you some ways--you just want to be home with the care you're used to.

Finally, a quick note on universal health care:

Yes, the U.K. has universal health care.  Everyone I talk to CANNOT BELIEVE that we don't provide health care for everyone in the U.S.  That we would let something like health and medical treatments hinge on how much money you do or don't have.  It's all rather embarrassing.

Here's the good part of universal health care:  my hernia was diagnosed FOR FREE.  Even though I'm not a citizen.  It's just walk on in here mate, we'll take care of you.

The not-so-great part?  I now need to see a surgeon, and since my hernia isn't life-threatening, it would take 3 or 4 months (and I'm only here until November 30th).

But wait!  That's only if I want to see a National Health System doctor. I can pay for a private doctor and see one right away.

Which means the U.K. system is a lot like the U.S. system, only they take care of their poor.  People in the U.S. who are opposed to universal health care always complain about the long waits and inferior care.  But those are always rich people who, in a country like England, can just pay for their better care anyway.  Which means they've lost nothing.  The only difference is, in the U.K., there's a safety net for the low-income citizens.  Seeing a doctor for free or waiting a few months for an appointment is far better than having no health care at all.  Like the millions of Americans who haven't had any insurance for decades.