Least-Fun Uncle in the World

I think I'm the least-fun uncle in the world. Why? Because I I'm opposed to sugar and television. I won't buy ice cream or candy for my niece and nephew, and I won't let them watch T.V. if I'm babysitting. I bring over vegetables in a plastic container to eat in front of them. If they are watching T.V., I cover their eyes.

And do you know what two things children want to do more than anything else in the world? Eat sugar and watch T.V. It would be interesting to put sugar in one room and a television in another room and tell a child to pick a door. They might blow a gasket.

But I found a third thing that makes me the least-fun uncle in the world: I'm opposed to the song "Little Bitty" by Alan Jackson. My niece and nephew LOVE the song and would think nothing of listening to it 20 times in a row. And I have made it my campaign to prevent them from hearing the song--to try to save them from bad art that is defiling our collective cultural consciousness.

In order attack these three crimes against humanity all at once, I wrote my own version of "Little Bitty." I removed the corporate country twang and turned it into a bluesy, folksy number. And I've repurposed the idea of "little bitty" with my own lyrics: my version is about how sugar and television are acceptable only in the ittiest, bittiest amount.

So come and sing along everybody, and join me in being no fun to children:


"Itty Bit, That's It, Thank You"

You have a little dinner at the end of your day
Drink a little milk, have a little bit to say
You ate all your broccoli, ate all your greens
And you’re asking for a little ice cream

It’s alright to have an itty bitty
You can just nibble like an itty-bitty kitty
Just one bite, no more than two
Have an itty bit, that’s it, thank you

You’re a little kid with a lot of growin’ up
You never want to fill up on sugar-filled stuff
Eat a biggie meal as healthy as can be
Then and only then have a little candy

It’s alright to have an itty bitty
You can just nibble like an itty-bitty kitty
Just one bite, no more than two
Have an itty bit, that’s it, thank you


The best of you is right inside your head
You think all day and even when you go to bed
So much to learn and so much to see
But now you ask to watch a little tv

It’s all right watch an itty bitty
Then close your eyes like a sleepy little kitty
Or go outside, read all your books
Then and only then have an itty bitty look

In your head is where you keep your dreams
All the words and stories, and your self-esteem
So don’t slow it down, your head ain’t tired yet
Got so much more than the television set

It’s all right watch an itty bitty
Then close your eyes like a sleepy little kitty
Or go outside, read all your books
Then and only then have an itty bitty look

Song for Stella

Congratulations to my brother Matt and sister-in-law Senoe on the birth of their daughter Stella Naga Jordan Torgerson. I wrote her a song (everyone should start off life with their own song) called "Hello World." Here are the lyrics:


Hello world, how do you do
A pleasure finally meeting you
Why yes, I’d love to stay

As soon as can I learn to stand
I’ll cross all your meridians
I’m thinking if I may, I’d like to say:


REFRAIN

Hey-yo what’s up howdeedoo
Ni hao, sabaidee, yiassou
Shalom and gutentag
Que honda with a bon giourno
Salam alei kum, hujambo
G’Day, konnichi wa


I’ll shake the hands of all the trees
The oceans want to play with me
Take lunch up in the sky

The animals all dancing ‘round
The mountains echoing the sounds
As everyone decides to come on by


I know I’ll grow up big and tall
It makes it much more fun to fall
With grass stains on my knees

But here, today, I just arrived
To keep this feeling deep inside
To stay as new and free as I please