Graduation - Part 1

Yep, graduation at Harvard University. I think it's supposed to be a big deal. At least it's a spectacle.

Every school has their own graduation in the afternoon, but on graduation morn they actually get everyone together for an all school event. That's when the president speaks, that's when they give honorary degrees (Meryl Streep got one this year), that's where it's nearly impossible to get tickets as a spectator. So after a previous night of drinking and celebrating, you wake up very early the next morning, squint through the pain in your don't-really-feel-Ivy-League-at-all aching head, and you head out to the yard.

And it's packed. It takes about two hours just to file in, and then you're stuck in a teeming prison of brainy graduates for the entire ceremony. I spent most of my time worrying about my bladder and the impossibility of finding a toilet if needed.

Some of the ceremony feels like you've snuck into an old cultish ritual. It all starts off with an announcement from the Sheriff of MIddlesex County. (Nearly impossible to say that title without affecting an east coast snobby lilt in your voice). I guess he's the ACTUAL sheriff of Middlesex County; he rides in on a horse, wears a top hat, and walks (stomps) around the stage with a huge scepter in his hand. He marches up to the microphone and bellows (like the word "bellows" was invented just for him): "AS THE SHERIFF OF MIDDLESEX COUNTY I DEEM THIS ESTEEMED GRADUATION CEREMONY IS NOW UNDERWAY!"

It's pretty obvious what's happening here. Harvard is the oldest university in the country, so they have some antiquated rituals that have never gone away. Apparently in the days of horses and buggies (and a university that would only admit white males), the Sheriff of Middlesex County would officially start and end the graduation. And he still does.

Which had me wondering. When the Sheriff first did this long ago, and for for the first 10 or 20 graduations, it fit the times. It was the protocol, it was completely normal. When he does it now, it's mere theater, a throwback scene which provides some charm and some history. The ridiculousness of his outfit and his scepter and his histrionics are completely anomalous to modern times, and are enjoyed for exactly that reason. But what about those years between these two extremes? What about those awkward years when the whole Sheriff ritual seemed ridiculously out of date, but it was still too soon for it to be a gesture to antiquity? Those must of been some tough years. The Sheriff must have felt like a complete tool, especially considering the getup he'd be wearing. Wearing no costume is fine, wearing a costume that everyone knows is a costume is fine, but wearing an outfit in which it's unclear if it's ironic or just a poor clothing choice, is the worst.

Wait, where was I? Oh yeah, the ceremony. Next came the undergraduate speech. Every year they pick some over-overachiever over all other overachievers to give the student speech. Can you even imagine such a person? Think of how type-A you have to be to even get into Harvard. And think of what a go-getter you must be in the top 10% of your class at Harvard. Now fathom the unfathomable person that can actually surpass ALL of this. I guarantee you they are no fun at parties (and are cold and inert in the bedroom).

But here's the catch: who ever is selected to give the speech, they have to write it in Latin, and then MEMORIZE it in Latin. It's not a student who is majoring in Latin mind you, it's just someone who has to put the WHOLE thing in Latin. And it must be memorized. That's right, you're 22 years old, you've memorized a 15 minute speech in a language you don't speak, you're at the most esteemed university on the planet, the Harvard president is sitting behind you, and Meryl Streep is looking on. So you better have that shit memorized. And to think I can't go to the grocery story without a list written down.

Why give the speech in Latin? I suppose it's another antiquated ritual a la the Sheriff. But more likely it's just Harvard pompousness. YES Harvard, we know you're smart . . . YES Harvard, smart people speak and read Latin . . . YES Harvard, most of us don't understand a word of this speech, and we feel a little dumb for it, and that's what you wanted. So here was this young woman, rambling on in Latin about pursuing your dreams or some such nonsense, and I don't get a single word. But then she said something and some people start chuckling. What? You're laughing? At what? You were tracking that whole speech IN LATIN? For real? Is that even possible? Can you be funny in Latin? How would you say "take my wife, please"?